Dear Eldar,

I am writing you on behalf of the trade union Brain Cells of Eldar Corps (”the Union”). It came to our attention that you are violating our trade agreement (”Agreement”), specifically, chapter 4.34.(b) stating that members of the Union are entitled to the daily norm of 7 hours of the reduced work shift generally referred to as “sleeping”. While we recognize that members of the Union (brain cells) are exempt employees, who are supposed to work overtime in case of emergency (chapter 4.37.(k)), let us remind you that it was supposed to be a temporary emergency (chapter 4.38.(q)), like a need to run from a jaguar in an African savannah. We contacted respective unions of senses and muscle cells, and they haven’t reported any jaguars or elevated muscle activity, so it seems clear to us that you are violating the terms of our Agreement.

While the Union recognizes your authority as CEO of Eldar Corps., we remind you that you have to live to the terms of the Agreement. Maybe you should move out of jaguar country, or find a safe lair to hide, we don’t know. But unless you want to become a blithering idiot (which you already are, considering that you are writing this letter on our behalf), you have to provide us with the daily allowance of sleep.

Considering that you have consistently violated this point of the Agreement for the significant time (months), the Union has no other option as to declare a 24-hour strike, when you must provide us with sleep or some other form of rest. We also have to inform you that the Union co-opted and is now in negotiations with the reputable company Cold & Flu Business Protection and Worker Representatives, LLC. from Chicago, who say they may be able to make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Yours Truly,
Your Brain, Esq.

P.S. Cold viruses are saying “Hi!” and thanking you for your hospitality. They are impressed with your tolerance to cultural diversity and promise to make every third toast to your health, while they are feasting in your body.

Don’t tell me lies. Never tell me lies. I cannot accept your lies.

Even if you believe in them yourself, don’t tell me your lies. Even if your boss believes in them, don’t tell me your lies. Even if your family believes in them, don’t tell me your lies.

It does not matter, if it is a big lie or a small lie. It does not matter if it hurts me or helps me. It does not matter if it affects me or not. Don’t tell me your lies.

It does not matter if this is a lie about Enlightened Future of Humanity (whichever it is). Or about Values of your Political System (whichever it is). Or about how happy I should be working for such a great company (whichever it is). Don’t tell me your lies.

On a staff meeting you expect me to be inspired by the company pep-talk. But I cannot.

On meetings you expects me to say finally that we made a good decision. But I cannot.

On my performance review your expect me to agree with your opinion. But I cannot.

That’s not because I am not a team player. That’s not because I am not collaborative. That’s not because I cannot reasonably estimate myself.

Because I am a team player, and I can follow team decisions even if they are wrong. Because I am collaborative and I can compromise to reach the goal. Because I can estimate myself comparing to what my colleagues achieved and how they are praised for that.

But I cannot say that wrong decision is right, it’s still wrong. But I cannot say that compromise is better that the right decision, because it still not better. But I cannot accept that somebody is worth more than me because you just like him, you have to have something more than that.

What’s the use of a scale, if it will show pound and kilogram the same to avoid bias in favor of US or EU system?

What’s the use of a microscope, if it’s made to show male and female cells the same way because legally they are “equal”?

What’s the use of a camera, if it shows black and white with the same color on photos?

My mind is my precious tool. It has the ability to see things right. To distinct clearly right and wrong, truth and lie, good and bad.

This is why I can make good designs. This is why I can create complex systems. This is why I can do my work.

My mind is what makes me different from a part-time worker at McDonald. From pizza delivery guy. From cashier at the grocery store.

My mind is the reason why you hired me. My mind is the reason why you need me. My mind is the reason why you are paying such money for me.

If I’ll accept your lies, I will break this tool. If I will accept your lies, I will not be able to distinct truth from lie anymore. Good design from a bad design. Right decision from a poor one. Bug from a feature.

If I’ll accept your lies, I will be useless to you.

Don’t tell me your lies.

Actually, I won’t speak as much in the defense of it, as to criticize the critics of the intelligent design theory. After all, creationists are believers, for them their Faith is a good enough argument, but their critics pride themselves in being logical, and that’s not what they do when it comes to criticizing creationism and intelligent design.

Let’s see, when they argue against the intelligent design theory, their main argument is: “Look at human body! There are so many ultimately stupid design problems in it, that it’s simply incomprehensible that it may be designed by an intelligent being!”

Do you see the assumption here? The assumption here is that intelligent beings cannot create stupid design. Have you ever used PC software?

See? When things like that happen, it’s no use to speculate that maybe some program or operating system evolved from a random set of bytes. It’s much better just go and ask those who did that design, and in many cases, they may just tell you what was the reason for doing it that particular way. Right?

Right. So, without much further ado, let me pass the word to somebody, who is highly qualified to answer that simple question: “Why human body design sucks?”

Allow me to present interview with none the less but St. Peter himself. I know, it sounds crazy, but here is what I will do. I am writing the question on the screen, and then I’ll try to serve as a medium. Hopefully, he’ll come and answer by typing it on my notebook keyboard? So, here it is, let’s do it!

WHY HUMAN BODY DESIGN SUCKS?

* * *

Hi, guys, Peter is here. I get it, you have a question to ask, glad to help. Just a fair note, I don’t have much time, so let’s get straight to it. So, here is the question: (reading) Why human body design… sucks???

Ok, let’s clear one thing first, we don’t use that kind of the language up there. And, let’s be fair, human body is not that bad, actually, it’s great. I bet most of you enjoy your bodies most of the time, right? Of course right.

And look at the history. You know, when we first created this product, we had a vision: “Human for every bedroom.” Actually, that time it was “every bedcave”, but we run out of caves almost instantly. It was a hit! Consider this: now you cannot build enough bedrooms for every human! It was a runaway product. We were so successful, we were sued by hell for monopoly! And, you know, they’ve got all the lawyers…

So, first thing first, I disagree. Human body design is great. However, I admit, it’s not perfect. Hey, nothing in this world is perfect. HE (pointing up) is perfect, nothing in this world is, human body design included. However, there is a good reason for that. Let’s check a couple of common complaints or problems.

You probably sit a lot, and when humans sit a lot, they get health problems: back problems, neck problems, digestive problems, eyesight problems… you name it! Yes, these are all legitimate and serious issues. But you know what? Sitting was never a customer scenario!

I can tell you, there were three main customer scenarios for the human body.

Scenario #1: Human sleeping in African savanna, lying on the ground. Lying, not sitting. You know, there were no couches and chairs in African savanna that time, in fact, not that many couches are there today either.

Scenario #2: Human walks in African savanna picking up berries, insects and whatever he can eat. Again, walking, not sitting. And…

Scenario #3: Human tries to run from a jaguar in an African savanna. Again, running, not sitting.

Yes, yes, I know, jaguars are in Latin America, not in Africa. There is a good reason for that too. You see, the team that designed jaguar, frankly, kicked ass. So we just could not deploy both species in the same locale and had to push jaguars to another hemisphere.

Anyway, you see? There was a reason. Sitting was never a customer scenario! It was completely incomprehensible to think that you will be spending your lives sitting in front of those stupid electronic devices! Apparently, that’s what you do now, but that was not what you were supposed to do! And, yes, it creates problems, but what do you want us to do now? Guys, human body is now a legacy platform! Do you know what kind of compatibility problems will we have if we try to fix that now???

Another favorite example of evolutionists is that “eye thing” with the blind spot and nerves connected to the front of the photo-receptive surface instead of the back of it. Yes, it looks real stupid. But let me ask you one question: did you ever worked with a partner team? We did. We had one partner team delivering the photo-receptive surface, and another team delivering network cables. And you know what?

Network cable guys slipped their schedule!

So, what would you do in our place? It was a time driven release!

Yeah, the sixth day. We had to deliver human by the end of the day on Friday! Have you ever delivered anything intelligent by the end of the day on Friday?

Well, anyway, so we mounted the photo-receptive surface without the cables first, and then the test team found that the damn thing still cannot see! Then we pushed on the network cable guys, forced them to deliver, and then we’ve got a problem: how to connect all these cables without damaging the photo-receptive surface?

You should thank Gabriel. This guy is a genius! He put a small hole in the back of the eye and he wired all that cables through it without ever touching the photo-receptive surface! Thanks to him you have just one small blind spot in your eyesight, not a lot of elves’ footprints all over your vision area!

Oops… beeper, the duty calls, have to go. Anyway, really glad to help, love you guys, feel free to drop by any time… a-a… Actually, on a second thought, no hurry. See you in several decades, use them well!

* * *

Ok,… did I missed something? Oh, I see I did. Good! I hope you all see now why intelligent design is a completely plausible theory.

P.S. Kidding aside, I have a lot of respect to both believers and non-believers. IMHO, the noble quest of Christians to bring Love to people lives is only comparable to the noble quest of atheists to bring the Reason. We need both, we need both badly. Pity, both sides fail in their missions. Especially, when treating each other.